Saturday, February 26, 2011

How NOT to Smuggle a Monkey Through Customs

Never hide a monkey under your hat when you're going through customs. Even if you do get him to sit still, chances are he'll probably slip his tail out to stretch a bit. Take Matty, a perfect example of how NOT to smuggle a monkey through customs. You're better off putting him in your pants and duct taping him to your leg. It's not only safer, but it will gain you impressed looks from female TSA agents. Beware of the pat-down though. A poked monkey tends to bite.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Emonkicon-tail

The language of communication is more impersonal than ever. With the quick convenience of email, social media, and texting, we've come to rely on the Emoticon to keep our recipient from misinterpreting our message and defriending us. These familiar faces not only sound like a bunch of gay Transformers, but they're truly the best way to convey feelings through written word. The Monkeytail makes for the most fashionable icon since the butterfly Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tails from the Porcelain Throne

One morning there was a boy named Andy, who awoke feeling far from dandy. He got drunk in the night, from the Mandarin and Sprite, and inside he wanted to die. So he walked to the loo to take a doo-doo, which he thought would ease his pain. But all backed up he couldn't relieve his butt, when he looked in the mirror and said, "There is no disgrace of what shapeth my face, giving no man a challenge he could fail! Behold I have here, as I sit on my rear, the power of the Monkeytail!" And to his surprise a release from inside, came with the ease he had hoped. And with one final push and a deep bellowed groan, he sat in relief on the porcelain throne.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Drunkeytail

Just when you thought you could never grown your own. All those nights staring in the mirror praying that the 3 hairs on your chin foretold a story of massive facial hair growth to come. Hope was all but gone.

Then one Friday night it all changed. And all it took was 3 beers, 2 best friends and 1 marker. Now YOU are the piof*ckineer. Monkeytail God!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Clubby Tails

Meet Clubby. Our current world record holder for "Worldest Tallest Tail." At a towering 7 foot 8 inches, you better have an extension ladder to compete with this level of domination. Why even bother? If you meet him in the low post, you might as well change your name to "Lunch." We're just glad he's on our team.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"That's What Friends Are For..."

It takes balls to go out in public with the Monkeytail. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, it helps to have support. Most women today will think your Monkeytail is disgusting, but a good wingman will be there to remind you that most women don't shave their legs in the winter.  In the words of Dionne Warwick, "That's what friends are for."

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Monkeytail In History: Part 1

Little know fact in American History...Before he settled on the chin curtain, Honest Abe rocked the Monkeytail. Historians will argue that the Battle of Gettysburg was the turning point of the Civil War, but we believe it was Abe Lincoln's re-election in 1864 that solidified a big 'W' for the Union. Show up to any debate with the Monkeytail and 9 times out of 10, your opponent will forfeit on the spot.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Tired of Akward Family Dinners?

Bring the Monkeytail to your next family dinner and your father will stop asking what you're doing with your life and start questioning, "What the hell is on your face?" You can proudly respond, "Well, dad, I'm a pioneer! I am the Daniel Freakin' Boone of awesome beards!" He'll still be disappointed in you, but at least it'll create the illusion that he's proud.